O- week
Translation – The Australian equivalent of freshers. Usually accompanied by a slap of the head a reddening of the face and pained silence as people remember terrible truths about their pasts.
Verb – To O-week
To ruin one’s life and body with a combination of goon and public humiliation. The effects of an o-week are usually heightened by a predisposition to embarrassing oneself.
Regularly followed by a period of hibernation in which to re-evaluate everything you thought you knew about yourself, your ability to socialise and hope everyone forgets the strange English girl at the party who dances like a middle aged man.
Word origin-
No-one knows. No-one cares. And everyone just wishes it would end so they could go back to not wanting to die in a hole
So. A week has happened. A week.
The first week in a new, exciting culture. Have I drunk in the sights and sounds of the gong? Revelled in the cultural differences while exploring the hidden treasures of theatre and fine art? Laughed sparklingly while educatedly expanding my mind through the medium of conversation with my fellow academically driven peers? Or have I drunk so much goon that I have ended up having to facetime my parents from a store cupboard to hide the fact there is a boy in my bed*. Yes sir, you got it in one, I have of course been sampling the higher side of Wollongong culture. Only the suavest of venues and most sophisticated of evening soirees.
However, due to the large amount of culture I have soaked up, certain memories of my new homeland are a touch blurry. So, to freshen the somewhat blurred memories for generations to come here is a guide on how to do o-week in Wollongong with class…
Venues
Fever.
Now don’t let the name fool you. It may sound like a terrible tacky nightclub made for underage girls and creepy men. How wrong could you be. It has played host to Holly from Geordie Shore. Yes my dear friends you heard right. I, Claire Wilsher of humble beginnings have walked the same floors as a true national treasure. Dreams do come true.
The Harp
Another hidden gem known for it’s explorations into musical creativity: the Friday karaoke night. I would describe the melodious boundary pushing musicality that comes out of this delightful night. I would tell you how Mozart clearly found inspiration on the floors of this Wollongong hot spot, how Bach overthrew his critics driven by the raw musical talent that can be viewed at The Harp.
However, it turns out the harp is not very accommodating to drunk English girls who try to leap on the stage when it’s not their go. They are also surprisingly un-amused if said girl attempts to get back in through the kitchen after having been kicked out. The same lack of humour is shown to her friend who, in his attempt to find a secret way in, breaks his nose on a glass door. Outrageously, on top of all this, The Harp, it seems, does not value persistence. Due to this, they will not find it hilarious if you, and said broken nosed friend, attempt to re-enter the club. Particularly if you try four times.
Confusing, I know. Must be an Australian thing.
Beverages
While frequenting said venues it is undoubtedly key to not only sample the culture, but also the local beverages of choice.
Goon
Goon. The best way to describe goon is imagine a fine rose. Floral top notes with a hint of mahogany. Now wee in it.
Yeah I mean that’s it really. No one really drinks anything else. Turning up anywhere without a box of goon is social suicide. Avoid the local ladies club for months. Marjorie’s told everyone and Susan says she’s taking over face painting for the next fete. You’ve let the side down. If I’ve learnt anything this week, it’s just always bring the goon.
Events
In order to fully appreciate Wollongong’s culture and nightlife, it is important that both these high flying venues and sophisticated beverages are sampled in conjunction. This combination of goon and o-week can lead unassuming travellers on voyages they may never have imagined or laid plans for. In order to help your future travels into the valley of o-week , I have compiled a list of events which befall most travellers.
1.Bunny-gate-
O week is stressful; new city, new people, new attempts at making friends. So, if during o-week you do happen to accidentally send a message to a boy where his name is auto-corrected to ‘Bunny’ and you sound like a middle-aged over attentive aunty/ a complete creep, fear not. It happens to the very best of us. C’est la vie. Shrug nonchalantly and giggle in a sophisticated manner. Or alternatively, an equally valid approach is the next time you see him to snort loudly like a donkey and shout ‘BUNNY’.
Do not be put off by his lack of laughter it’s clearly just a cultural thing. You’re doing well don’t worry.
2. Traversing goon river, laptop in hand-
A nonchalant approach should also be taken should you be so fortunate as to stumble across a goon river in your living room on your first day and that goon river should flow straight across your laptop. A natural phenomenon that you may attempt to solve by holding said laptop under the extractor fan and then balancing your laptop upside down on a pile of tea towels. This will not work but may lead your flatmates to think you are in some kind of cult. A laptop balancing one.
Again if your flatmates don’t find it funny it is not a reflection on you. As a wise man once said ‘It’s not me, it’s you’.
3. Job hunting-
Another event which is just bound to happen in this exciting time in your life is that while you are so deeply absorbing culture you are struggling to stand from the weight of it all, you may in fact seek employment. At the bar you are at that moment absorbing culture in. Shockingly, they may not in fact hire you on the spot. If this is the case as any seasoned culture seeker will advise you. Leave. Leave and never come back. No nonchalant shrugging will help you now, especially if you do a slightly less than elegant stumble as you attempt to flounce away
4. The dark hole at the end of o-week –
The final event of o week is the crash into oblivion. This is not limited to Wollongong or in fact this part of the world. I myself have found Leeds also holds great potential for this type of mid-freshers crisis where you question everything you thought you knew about yourself and whether there is any potential for you to ever have a real-life adult future.
When you do inevitably crash into this dark hole, I find the best thing to do is to begin drinking again. Immediately. Failing that, go into your room, get under your duvet and watch a whole season of New Girl while crying into a bowl of pasta. This does not generally help with the fears of adult life but you lessen the risk of partaking in any more social humiliation for a while . However, if your laptop is broken and full of goon this is less successful. Then you are just crying into a bowl of pasta in your room looking at a blank laptop screen. This I can confirm is not helpful.
Well, the only way is up from weeping into my Aldi value penne.
So long from the gong.
Claire
*Don’t worry mum. The boy was my friend, who is very much gay. Nothing that exciting is happening in my life.
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